What you’ll be reading is an account from one day, and an account from another day. Kind of like journal entries. I had started the first “entry” as a post for the site, but then I gave up after awhile. The second entry is sort of a continuation of that, but more of a plan of action. Misophonia, anxiety, and depression are discussed.
Nothing makes my misophonia flare up more than stress and anxiety. Recently, life has pitched some curve balls, and while I’ve successfully dealt with some of them, there are other curve balls still hurtling in my direction that I’m in the process of figuring out. Some of these curve balls aren’t bad! It’s the idea of starting something out of my comfort zone that makes me uneasy.
I’m a freelance photographer. Recently, I was contacted by a woman asking me to shoot some wedding portraits, and then her ceremony afterwards. This is an amazing opportunity for me. We made plans, and now we just have to work out the details. I love photography, but this is the first time I’m shooting a wedding. That’s the curve ball. I am beyond nervous, but I hope to deliver quality photos.
I am also scheduled to have a vendor booth at an antique store showcasing my photography and taking some pictures with a backdrop for dirt cheap. Really nice lady, cute shop, but $100 a month for rent. Curve ball number two. I simply don’t make enough to cover that, plus groceries, plus bills, plus other expenses that may pop up. And I’m not sure I’ll get enough people to make $100 for another month of rent. Unless something miraculous happens, I’m only going to be there for a month to get as much exposure I can from it, and then say my goodbyes.
Additionally, some other personal life stuff is happening. I won’t get into it here. It’s one of the major curve balls I’ve been thrown. It’s something outside my comfort zone and will result in some serious growth, and hopefully a good future. This is good stuff I’m stressing over. I’m excited and nervous, and I look forward to what happens next.
Another curve ball is getting my driver’s license. At the age of 24, a lot of people might think I’m getting it late. It sure feels that way, since most of my friends got their license when they were much younger. I have been slowly overcoming my driving anxiety. It has gotten a lot better, but I’m not completely over it. I’m still stressing about going in for the behind the wheel test because last time I failed all three times, and I had my permit taken from me. So I started all over this year after about a two year hiatus. I’m determined to get my license so I can have a some more independence.
All of these things combined can, on some days, make my misophonia worse. A lot is happening in my life right now (in my opinion) and some days, I just break down and cry. I overthink about what people will think of me, especially my family; I doubt myself too much; I put myself down and almost convince myself that no one cares.
November 2, 2019
The wedding went well! The family liked their photos and I made a decent amount with them. I also learned that I need to fix a few things when it comes to photographing weddings. I won’t get into the details here, but it was a good learning experience. I am looking forward to implementing what I’ve learned,
The antique shop thing fell through. But hey, I think it was worth a shot. I was there for a month, got a few people, and then packed up. While I was there, my misophonia always acted up. There was always at least one person that triggered me and I had to wear wireless earbuds playing rain sounds to drown them out.
I’m planning a long visit to see my boyfriend as he recently moved and I haven’t seen him in awhile. I’m looking forward to it.
And yet, I am stressed.
I am anxious.
I am depressed.
I am/get angry.
I am frustrated.
I am afraid.
I can’t focus.
I have lost interest in a lot of things.
Falling asleep can be very difficult and getting up out of bed is a chore in and of itself.
Nothing feels right.
None of it is his fault. I just think I’m getting worse. I cycle through so many emotions throughout the day. I am hardly ever calm. When I am it’s only short moments. I can’t enjoy anything without stressing about my misophonia, depression, or anxiety. I just want certain things to happen in my life already and I’m sure that’s part of why I feel the way I do. I can’t talk about the other parts. I’ll save that for therapy.
Yeah. After I visit my boyfriend, I will be seeking therapy and medication. Perhaps I will document it here or on Misophonia Weekly.
It’s something I should have done a long time ago, but I didn’t. Because I am stubborn, and anxiety holds me back from making that phone call to schedule the initial appointment, and I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong.
But then I think about my boyfriend. I don’t want to be a mess and make life harder for both of us. I want to be productive and useful and contribute to our lives. I want to marry the boy whose grown into a wonderful man, whom I had a crush on since I first met him, and I can’t be the best future wife I can be if I don’t take action.
I know, it’s cheesy. But if it’s for him, I want to try.
Thanks for reading.Want to learn more? Join a Workshop with Dr. Jennifer Brout or Duke CMER at Misophonia Education.