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A Misophones Letter to Santa Claus

by Vicki Sladowski

Dear Santa,


I have been a good girl all year. (By good, I mean that I did not kill or hurt anyone that triggered me and for me, that is a huge accomplishment!) This year I would like you to bring me some noise-canceling headphones, noise-canceling earbuds, several sets of earplugs with the highest NRR possible. Please include a variety of shapes and colors so I can coordinate my outfits. I would also like you to send some muzzles for people and duct tape, and a case of corks (those damn whistlers). If it is not too much to ask, I would love a truckload of F**** Off Spray. Ooh, maybe some WD-40 and Xanax too, it is always a good idea to be prepared for a trigger emergency. Those would be some nice stocking stuffers! You never know when you need to pop a Xanax in someone’s mouth while they are talking. I would also LOVE a remote control that would instantly mute the world. (You are Santa, use your holiday magic and put those elves to work!)

Now that my wish list is out of the way, let’s set some ground rules!

As you know, I suffer from Misophonia, so please understand that I will not be leaving out any milk and cookies for you because frankly, you might crunch or slurp and the trigger would wake me up and I would have no other choice but to whack you over the head with the fireplace poker which would negate the good girl qualification and I assume that would put me on your “naughty” list. Besides, do you really need milk and cookies with your big jolly belly? You tend to get out of breath quickly no one needs to hear all of your huffing, puffing, and panting! Please! Do not stomp your feet with your big ass boots, they make squeaky sounds even when you are not clomping around. You need to be quiet for goodness sake! While we are on the subject of being quiet, is it really necessary to bellow out Ho Ho Ho as you are leaving? No one can be that jolly! One final warning, if you even THINK about ringing your damn jingle bells, please know that I will be wringing your neck!

Let’s talk gift wrapping, the last thing I want to hear is the crinkling of gift wrap as you tuck my gifts under the tree. Maybe you should leave the gifts unwrapped so I am not triggered by the sound of the rustling paper? Oh, what the heck, why not just make it easy, just ship the damn gifts and we can all have a Silent Night.

Merry Christmas,


P.S. Please do not park your sleigh and reindeer on my roof unless you can do so without making a sound.

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